Does Valley, AL Really Want the Green Giant as School Safety Officer?

Ho, ho, ho…ut-oh! It looks like it might be time to register all your canned goods as dangerous weapons!

A middle school principal in (of all the possible names) Valley, Alabama sent a letter to parents, informing them of the new safety procedures in the case of a school intruder. Priscilla Holley asked parents to provide each child with an 8-ounce canned item. As quoted by the New York Times, she said: “The canned food item could stun the intruder or even knock him out until the police arrive….The canned food item will give the students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves and will make them feel secure in case an intruder enters their classroom.”


I can see so many reasons why this is a bad idea, having worked with children of that age. Their propensity to panic suggests that a room full of shrieking children tossing cans through the air is more likely to result in significant injuries to the children, rather than the intruder. Little Suzie might not have the proper technique to achieve any great distance. What if she whacks little Bobby, the pride and joy of the Little League, on the head and takes him out of the game? If he’s the only kid with an arm that can aim that can of peas at the dangerous intruder, the class will be left unprotected.


Can safety is very important. I say this because I can still remember the moment, as a 16-year-old, when I first heard my late mother swear. She reached up for a can of Green Giants Niblets, lost her grip, and the can bounced off the counter, landing on her big toe. Boy, was it a shock to hear her utter that profanity!


Do the teachers plan to hold training classes, to instruct each child exactly how to throw the 8-ounce cans? Is the Jolly Green Giant now going to be the school safety officer? Will he be the coach and adviser for the program?


Canned food…empowerment….If an eight-ounce can is sufficient, what about a 12-ounce can? Should that be only allowed for the teachers? In that case, perhaps the school district will provide that old school snack-time favorite, Hawaiian Punch. Think of the sense of empowerment just from the brand name! Why, teachers will feel invincible!


What happens if the children become proficient in can hurling? Will there be can hurling contests among students? Will this replace the biathlon at the Winter Olympics? Skiers shush down the mountainside, cans in hand, and take aim at snowmen?


Should we really believe that a can of corn will ever replace sensible adults, acting to protect students in the classroom? School safety should never be taken lightly, whether the threat is from a student or an outsider. It’s far more reasonable to equip every classroom with a “panic button” and have the office alarm system hooked up with the local police, so that they can respond in a timely fashion.


More importantly, no child should ever be given the idea that tossing a can at a menacing intruder will be a legitimate deterrent to someone who is determined to harm the children. That’s the stuff of cartoons and Hollywood special effects. The Valley, Alabama school system would be better served by consulting with professional security experts on ways to improve safety and sending those canned goods to the cafeteria, where they can feed hungry children.