I love to laugh. It’s what makes me bodacious and fun. There is nothing that feels better to me than a good, solid belly laugh. I’m not shy. Tears streaming down my face, hooting and hollering, roaring with laughter? That’s me at my finest.
That said, spare me another crotch shot on the funny videos. I’ve lived long enough to have seen every type:
Expected groin grab
Unexpected groin grab
Bouncing-onto-the-crotch via bike, skateboard, snowboard, and handrail shot
Little tyke with the giant baseball bat whack video
Piñata stick smack
Baseball, football, tennis ball, dodge ball, tether ball, and even giant bouncy ball hit
Dog-grabbing, cat-scratching, ferret-copping-a-feel, bird-pecking crotch clip
Head-bumping-into-the-groin, gasping-out-loud-for-dear-life video
Golf club hitting the wrong ball shot
Baby kicking Daddy to prevent further reproduction shot
Boys poking each other while waiting in line video
I also have seen just about every bodily function ever captured on tape, so I don’t need to see any more of these:
Baby spitting up on Mom/Dad/Nana/Grandpa/Uncle Sid
Anyone hugging the porcelain goddess after a night of debauchery
Toddler’s offering up a Mount Vesuvius-style nasal flow
Anyone passing gas, especially while in a bath tub and over the age of 5
Any creature relieving itself (bathroom humor — that’s where it belongs)
You may wonder why I am telling you my feelings on this subject. The answer is simple. I love a really good, unrehearsed, unexpected, wacky video. The expression on a little girl’s face when she gets a Christmas kitten is priceless. The little girl who got a bike, but wanted lipstick? That’s a keeper, too. There are plenty of really funny videos out there, but we seem to be focused on the crotch shots and the bathroom humor.
Say what you will, there was one benefit to censorship. We were spared some pretty dopey videos. The other night, I saw a fat naked man in a bathtub, blowing flatulent bubbles noisily. I saw a small boy who had spent the day having diarrhea stuck in a sink, getting his bottom rinsed with cool water to soothe him. I don’t know about where you come from, but where I come from, when a kid has spent the day on the potty, I’m not grabbing my video camera to shoot a funny video. I’m making sure the kid isn’t dehydrated, bleeding, or in need of medical attention.
Also not funny? The “multiple idiots on a trampoline” shots. How many kids are injured on trampolines each year? Over 80,000 a year. Kids. Any wonder with the idiot adults who are teaching them the ropes of crashing, bashing, and smashing into immobile objects like poles, fences and other hard surfaces? Broken necks, broken backs, broken arms, broken legs, broken heads, broken teeth….
Call me a cranky bodacious baby boomer if you must, but let’s think about how much fun we’re really missing when we settle for this kind of crapola. We encourage people to take terrible physical risks in the name of funny and gross. The sad thing is we’re missing out on really creative, really clever humor for the sake of the cheap crotch shot.
And before you think I’m such a crotchety old geezer, I’ll tell you upfront. I once stuck a green pea up my right nostril in my effort to amuse my siblings. And yes, it got stuck. The little bugger (or would that be booger?) didn’t want to come out. I thank God my parents had the good sense not to
a) videotape it
b) encourage me to perfect my pea-stuffing ways
c) join me
d) all of the above
Come on, America! Let’s get really funny again. Pretend you have a censor telling you not to go for the easy shots. Censor your own videos. Give yourself parameters of “this is funny stuff!” and get cracking. Just leave the crotch shots to the amateurs!